I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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