Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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