You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
