i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
