FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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