If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
