My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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