I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
