Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"