We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....