she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.