I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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