nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I will pee on everything he values.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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