I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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