Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
