Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I intend to get homeless drunk
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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