There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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