Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
this beer tastes like vomit already
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
