Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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