Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
