One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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