Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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