Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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