I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
