sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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