I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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