my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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