Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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