If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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