The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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