your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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