what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it's like iHOP with fire
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You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
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We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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