So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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