Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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