You smell like stripper and shame
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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