My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
