I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
