Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
