just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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