if i can run in heels then i can drive
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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