So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
