Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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