____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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