I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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