I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
