This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.