it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
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Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.