she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
