Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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