If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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