3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
