I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
