Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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