I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
