Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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