Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
