i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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