im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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