so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
