this beer tastes like vomit already
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
