I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
